Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The Teething Stage

I’ve been wandering around wondering if I have feelings left to hurt. When I’m alone, I’m almost certain that I’m heartless and soulless.

When you’re in limbo you find yourself with your head in the clouds, or anywhere other than the present moment, to avoid reality. Because reality does bite once it’s past the teething stage.  And what do you know? I have no Anbesol to take the edge off.

Bottom line: I don’t believe in love anymore. I never believed in finding “the one” in the first place.
Hoping this is just a stage, a transition.

Baby steps. Baby steps, I tell myself. With time this confusion will pass. I need to recognize this despite the fact that it seems impossible for me to move on. Obsessing is part of how I was built.

How many times did I endure the heartache? How many times do I look back and say, that was the moment? That was the moment you should have left. There are so many moments, in retrospect, that I start to lose count. But no worries, it’s all written down somewhere. So that when I stumble across it in my wayward travels I experience hell afresh.

I keep stopping to tell myself that the years were not wasted. After all, I was becoming someone, and even managed to create someone. Such a little beauty that seems to represent the best that was ever in us.


You do get to that point where you think you no longer have the capacity to feel. Then the thought of no longer being able to feel , or a memory, or a song on the radio, makes you wail. 

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Something New


Currently in search of someone to light up for.

Let me explain.

I drove around this morning to find that this song was not about someone new, but about someone who has been there for the last thirteen years. And it very nearly broke me.

For the past few months, I wanted to be able to feel again. To feel anything but this void that I find myself in. Now I want to be prepared the next time I drive into a pile of feelings. 

Despite the potential consequences to my psyche, despite the fact that I'll probably never be ready, and despite the reality that memories crop up and emotions will linger, I am in search of something and someone new.

I want to know what it is to be appreciated for who I am. I want to drive around singing like a madwoman at the top of my lungs. I want to be weird and carefree for once in my thus-far  paltry existence.  

Perhaps most of all, I want to light up like a fucking Christmas tree at the thought of someone. 



I can’t believe that you would think
I’d never see that you deserve the best (deserve the best)
If you’re afraid, then I’m to blame
I should’ve never let it come to this (come to this)

Sometimes we just have to walk through the fire (the fire)
Just to see once more what has never shined brighter (shined brighter)

Don't say enough, we’re not out of love
We just grew up having to find out that
Hearts go astray, sparks slip away
But I have to say, I still light up for you
For you, I still light up for you

Don’t let the tears undo the years
That got us here we traveled all this way (all this way)
And no matter how we sort it out
Know I’m for sure that you’re the one for me (the one for me)

Sometimes we just have to walk on the wire (the wire)
Just to understand we have never felt higher (felt higher)

Don't say enough, we’re not out of love
We just grew up having to find out that
Hearts go astray, sparks slip away
But I have to say, I still light up for you
For you, I still light up for you

Nobody said it would be easy
We thought we could prove them wrong
And we know it takes more than a feeling
To carry the two of us on
But I still believe in our love
Yeah I still believe in us
I still believe in us
I still light up

[x2]
Don't say enough, we’re not out of love
We just grew up having to find out that
Hearts go astray, sparks slip away
But I have to say, I still light up for you
For you, I still light up for you