Saturday, March 19, 2016

Release

It's cathartic when you finally identify the source of your pain.

Years of needless, directionless suffering, trying to fit into a mold that wasn't meant for you. In so much agony and yet oblivious to the cause of it.

Once you finally pinpoint what's been holding you simultaneously down and back, things become clear. And then tears of regret can finally fall freely.

In my younger years I was often prone to jealousy. But I have finally concluded that jealousy is a useless emotion. And someone who would attempt to cause you grief in this way was never worth your time and attention in the first place.

Childish tactics highlighting the inhumanity. And for what? An attempt to inflict more pain. As if the pain of being forced into the chaos of military "normalcy" all those years wasn't enough.

And the old criticisms, always coming from afar. Being told that you are not equal, that you are not a grownup, somehow, some way, you would never be enough. Forcing yourself to be a good girl, even attempting to be normal though you're not wired that way. Still not enough.

Still awful. Ugly.

And you know that though it was and continues to be devestating, you made the right decision. You know that you're in a far better place even though loneliness stalks you. You know that despite the reassurances, you were never meant to be the one.

You know you walked away for a reason. The reason was under your nose the entire time.

And you try to find a way to let it go.