Thursday, January 19, 2017


We in the Treasure Valley have had what is widely known as Snowpocalypse or Snowmageddon as of late. Here are some personal and family highlights:

Record snowfalls in the area, with plenty of melting and icing over to boot. Too many snow days to count in a school district that rarely calls school off. This has resulted in stir crazy people. Particularly my daughter, who has resorted to memorizing the first act of Hamilton. My poor grandma, who broke her shoulder last year, has been cautioned not to GO ANYWHERE or DO ANYTHING. Which made last week’s icy excursion to the dollar store a thrill-a-minute. The roads are like glass today. The parking lot where I work was so slick last night that a co-worker gave me a ride to my car since her car was closer.

The first day of the snowfall we had a pipe burst in the garage. So, there was a brief cleaning out of what I fondly think of as hoarder’s paradise. All useful stuff: tile (enough to re-do the bathroom) and a lot of power tools (the better to cut your thumb off, my dear). It took the plumber seven hours to get here and ten minutes to fix the problem. It took several days to reassemble the garage because bitch, it’s cold outside.

My younger sister was initially stuck in her driveway because of plowing. My older sister cannot move her car past her driveway most mornings. My mother has been toting her kids and grandkids all over town in her truck. She should have signed up to be an Uber driver before this nonsense started.

I fell in my driveway, twice. The first time, my daughter and I both fell in the same spot and then slid down on our butts. No major injuries thank God. I’m sure it was funny to watch. A friend suggested that a video would have been preferable, America’s Funniest Home Video style. Complete with sound effects (whooooooop and wah wah wah, I would imagine).

I was stuck in and just outside of my cul de sac four times. Even walking out to the car proved difficult. I signed up for AAA but they only have been offering towing assistance in emergency situations. Towing companies called directly were also not accepting short tows because the road conditions have been so bad. Basically, I should have left my car at the base of the hill instead of proceeding to get it out and stuck near the sidewalk. Drat.

As a consequence of my inability to move my vehicle, I could not get across town to let my sister’s dogs out. She was repeatedly trapped in the Portland area, unable to fly out for several days. My last attempt at letting them out, I was stuck at the end of her driveway for fifteen minutes with the rear end of my vehicle out in a busy street. A snow shovel and fervent praying finally got me out safely. Thankful that I didn’t have my daughter with me in the back seat, but not particularly grateful to the hundred cars that went around me without bothering to stop.  The poor puppies were eventually rescued by my cousin. Plenty of swearing and guilt on my part. I have never been so mad at Mother Nature.

Perhaps the funniest moment of all this came from my daughter’s blasphemous quip. After a bought of my colorful language about the lame weather situation she remarked: “You know who we really need to blame??? God.”

So thanks, God. Thanks a lot. No, seriously. Despite all the craziness, not one of my family members has yet been in a car accident or had a detrimental spill. The power has remained on. And we have plenty of frozen and canned food here in the event of further snowfall or zombie apocalypse.

All in all, we’re doing pretty good.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

The Incredible Shrinking…Woman

I’ve been sick for two months.

I don’t know if it’s a persistent sinus infection, or overactive allergies, or if that alien implant in my brain is giving me trouble again. The bad news is, I’m exhausted all the time. Especially at work, which requires me to be on my feet all day. The good news is, I’ve lost weight. I now fit into pants I haven’t fit into since 2009.

Have I made any real effort to lose this weight? Nope. Unless you count swallowing a daily Mucinex and a large receptacle of green tea just to get through my day. I also have been living off deli sandwiches. My grandma asked me if this made me like Jared from Subway. Yes, grandma, yes. Minus the unfortunate affinity for child pornography.

But on to *ahem* lighter subjects. Here is a photo from my college years, when I was a mere impression of a thing, approximately 90 pounds. That's me on the right, next to my super-fit sister. Holy Gods, BITCH WAS SKINNY.

And here is a photo of me at my heaviest, when I weighed approximately the same as the house that flattened the Wicked Witch of the East. Nine months pregnant. Hungry every step of the way (though clearly I did not miss any meals). BITCH WAS LARGE AND IN CHARGE.

And me at my lightest since my early twenties, when I was eating an iceberg salad for lunch every day and working out consistently. I weighed about 120, but DAMN, BITCH WAS STARVING.

I am now blissfully between these healthy and unhealthy weights. Still overweight, not obese. A medium instead of a large. I’d sure like to lose the tummy that has plagued me since baby, and that has stayed with me since beer. But that might require a little thing called exercise. And right now, BITCH HATH NO ENERGY.

Alleviating the energy issue may require more antibiotics, or an allergy pill combined with a decongestant. Each has its respective consequences. Antibiotics generally put my system off-kilter. Decongestants help a great deal with some physical symptoms, yet also raise my blood pressure considerably. Plus they make me high-as-a-kite-euphoric, which is not good considering my potentially manic mental malady. ESSENTIALLY, BITCH GOES CRAZY.

The alternative? Just stay sick. And waste away to nothing. Lay me where sad, true lover never find my grave to weep there. And all that jazz. Because BITCH IS A TAD MELODRAMATIC AT TIMES.

A popular theory (one I often consider, because frankly, BITCH DOES NOT SCIENCE), is that I am simply allergic to something at work. Or that I am allergic to work. One of the two. Either way my symptoms are aggravated at work. I must carry tissues with me wherever I roam on the apparel floor. THAT IS ONE SNOTTY BITCH.

Me and my persistent case of sniffles are off to enjoy the snow day.

Later, bitches.