Writing, for me, is simply a way to empty the trash in my
brain. And I have many wonderful
professors who guided me to the refined style I currently use. Each teacher or professor had specific guidelines
to follow, and here, I fondly remember and forsake them. The rules, I mean. Not the teachers. It’s a wonder I ever passed English in the
first place…
Thanks to my ninth grade teacher, Mrs. Gerhardt, I still
know all of my pronouns. She made us
learn them to the tune of “Mamma’s Little Baby Loves Shortenin’ Bread.” And that little song has stayed with me. Here, for your reference and entertainment, I
shall enumerate all of them. In, on,
into, over, under, to, at, by, for, from, off, of. Up, down, near, past, outside, inside,
toward, around, about, across. Against, upon,
after, along, among, until, between before.
Beside, below, behind, beyond, beneath, above, during, and like. Through, except, with, without, within
(mamma’s little baby loves shortenin' bread).
I did that without the aid of any reference guide (insert grandiose bow
here). I will be tirelessly impressed
with myself for the rest of the day.
There are many general rules that remain etched in my rusty
steel trap of a brain. Slang is wholly
inappropriate. It simply ain’t proper to
use such colloquial terms, and it makes y’all sound somewhat uneducated. Proper structure is essential to the
continuity and strength of your piece.
An essay, for example, must contain an introduction (with the thesis as
the last sentence), several paragraphs supporting the thesis, and a conclusion.
In formal writing, don’t directly refer to your audience: hence, you should not
use the word “you.” Yes, in case you’re
wondering, I am a literary rebel of the worst kind. I hope you didn’t come here actually looking
for advice about writing, because if so, you’ve come to the wrong place. Insert maniacal laugh here…This brings me to
another rule. Ellipses are not something
teachers or professors really care for.
But I love ellipses…in fact, I think I may run away with an ellipsis one
day and raise a family…
One of my high school teachers had an interesting rule about
the forms of “is.” He considered our
writing weak if we used this evil word or any of its forms (is, am, are, was,
were, be, being, been). We could only
use these words three times in any given assignment. The consequence of disobeying this rule was
death (or, if he was feeling merciful, he would simply penalize us a whole
grade). This rule did curb overuse of
the offensive words. But instead of
saying something simple, such as “This rule is asinine,” you would have to
reform your thought: “This rule seems asinine.” To me, this process often
diluted the statement I was trying to make.
Such forced word usage also makes one sound a bit haughty and
superficial in certain instances. In
other words, it was pretty dumb.
Yet another rule I am notorious for abandoning: one must
always stay focused on a specific subject, because there’s nothing worse than
reading someone else’s inane ramblings.
Did you hear about the recent Mattel toy recall? It scared me because Violet has some Sesame Street toys,
but then I checked out the website and she didn’t have any affected items. Whew!
Oh, and the toilet upstairs is running again like there’s a ghost
depositing an otherworldly turd every once in a while. But I digress…
In addition to the multitude of rules already enumerated,
one simply must avoid sentences consisting of more than twenty-five words,
because otherwise your writing becomes convoluted, and the average reader,
being the over-caffeinated, over stimulated, cell-phone texting, I-pod user
that he is, simply cannot follow your crashing train of thought. I agree with this statement, since I hate
having to re-read sentences just to understand them. Don’t you?
Though these rules might be valuable, I think equal emphasis
should have been placed on not letting rules confine your style or your
voice. In fact, these endless rules have
held sway over me for far too long. I
hereby throw them out the proverbial window.
And syntax screw!!!
