Judge Not?

So this afternoon, I dolled myself up with some Younique products and took some selfies for a friend’s makeup party. I just wanted to show off some of my vast collection, though I admit I put on a bit more makeup than I usually wear. I made a few disparaging remarks about my makeup before I left to pick up my daughter from school. “Do I look like a hoe-bag?” I asked my husband, jokingly. He responded with a tactful comment: “That lipstick is a little dark.”

Fast forward a half an hour. I stand around waiting for my kid, a little worried that my brown, shin-length skirt might be blowing around a little too much. So I held it down demurely. My daughter emerged from the school and we proceeded to the crosswalk.

Normally the polite, accepting lady principal is there to help us across. Today, there was some other school employee or volunteer, an older lady wearing a bright green school T-shirt. She took one look at me and her face transformed into a mask of disgust. Then, clearly offended by my presence, she looked away.

Holy wow, did I deserve such a look? Sure, I’m showing a teeny bit of cleavage and you can see my tattoo on my right ankle. And as I stated before my lipstick is a little darker than usual. Do I deserve to be gazed upon and immediately shunned with palpable abhorrence because of this?

Let me give you a hint: the answer is no.

We live in a conservative, competitive environment here in Utah. I’ve heard rumors that you won’t get hired unless you list your bishop as a reference on your resume. But time and time again I’ve laughed those rumors off. Because it couldn’t possibly be that political, right? Not everything is controlled by the members of the LDS faith, is it? It couldn’t possibly be…

And yet, so many times, I have been rejected for jobs in two school districts here. Because I had almost a 4.0 GPA in college, I know I am qualified for many of the positions. I am a tad nervous and shy when interviewed but I have been articulate at the very least. Yet here I sit with all my experience in the performing arts, unable to procure a job teaching first and second graders to sing for eight hours a week. I also have a propensity for being a book nerd: I wrote short historical books in junior high and participated in the Battle of the Books. And still I was unable to land a position as a part-time library assistant.

These, of all my rejections, were the ones that nearly broke me.

I cut out enormous parts of this blog thinking that someone would find it and judge me for my illnesses. But it gets worse. It seems I am being judged simply by my appearance, or by my absence of garments. Or both? I hate to think the worst of people, but it’s difficult not to when they seem to think the worst of you, for no logical reason.

I have many Mormon friends in my family and from my school years in Boise. And sure, there have been attempts to convert me, and some disdain on the parts of only a few judgmental individuals. I believe that the Mormon Church is good and beneficial to its members in many ways. I specifically admire the fervent focus on family and helping one another. The LDS friends I have are kind and sweet: they respect my religious preferences even if they have their own fast-held beliefs. And I respect them and their choices, even if I do not to adhere to the principals of their faith.

I still hold out hope that I’m just being paranoid. But that look, that single look, made me furious. 

And it made me question my job-seeking efforts this last year. Is there even a point in continuing the search?

So for all of you Judgy McJudgertons out there: look out, there’s a quasi-Catholic in town. And I’m quite tired of putting up with this shit. I will continue to present myself the way that I want and I do not give a flying fuck if it offends you.

Ha! The things I wish I could say sometimes. Obviously I cared enough about local opinions to write this blog. One friend of mine jokingly entertained the notion of giving me a “Mormon make-over” so that I would be better accepted in this environment (complete with floral-patterned, floor-length attire and a chunky necklace). But I’m nothing if not an obstinate Aries: I refuse to change to appease a certain religious persuasion.

So I may not become a teacher (or even a teacher’s assistant) while I’m here, as I had hoped. I have approval from the state of Utah but unfortunately not its contingents. If you need me, I’ll be writing on the Internet for free or for slave wages. And looking very pretty (if I may say), despite the looks that I get for it.