A Positive Note

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling.

Struggling to make ends meet. Struggling to understand my thoughts and my actions when I'm not tethered to another person romantically. Struggling with anxiety, despite the many medications I consider myself fortunate to take.

Despite this, I recognize that I have become a better person due to adversity. I am a far more empathetic and less critical human being than I used to be. Something that would have resulted in scorn in my twenties elicits praise now. I realize more how far we have come in our respective journeys, and for that I am grateful.

So in that spirit, someone disdainful enough to call herself a "former idealist" offers a small sample of the many things I am grateful for.

I am thankful for my daughter, for without her reason is lost, and hope absurdly diminished. She is the truest form of love, and I am forever grateful that I managed to help create someone so wonderful.

I am thankful for family. I was born into a lovely group of folks and we've been known to adopt many others along the way. Some we have lost touch with. Others have passed on. All are important in the formation of stronger character, even those I no longer reside with. How fondly I will always remember my father, his video recorder a bright light in the darkness of an audience at many performances...

I am grateful for so many people who recognized greatness in me at one point or another. My fifth grade teacher, who told me I could be the next Stephen King. Mrs. Rosen, Mrs. Schmidt and Dr. Tynon, without whom my efforts at singing would have remained awkward and obscure. They gave me the strength to let the shy girl shine. I would be amiss not to mention the theatre folks: too many to list, all inspiring. Thanks for telling me to audition for more plays in college, Joe Golden. I learned so much from my fellow actors.

And then there are things that I am appreciative of: good books, crescendos, lack of tornado activity in Idaho. The thesaurus that I so desperately need right now that is stashed in an auxiliary garage in Utah. A rock from my Aunt Holly and a plastic Roo ring form Tess. The skill required to pour a beer with a decent head. The ability to hold a conversation with anyone because you were raised to respect everyone.

But of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares with you, friends and lovers. The strength you've shown and the many experiences you've shared have had such a profound effect on my development. I continue to grow as a consequence or a blessing of having known all of you.

I choose to see even the negative experiences as a blessing.

At least for today, you know. Tomorrow I may return to being a cynical bitch. Insert maniacal laugh, cue music, fade to black.