Deluge: Defining Disability

"I'm getting tired of starting again, somewhere new."

                                                    ~~~ Foo Fighters, "Best of You," In Your Honor, 2005

Anxiety, you have won this time.

I haven't been writing on here because I thought the best way to survive in society was to hide. I deeply regret that decision. I should have learned by now that I can no more hide who and what I am than I can stop breathing.

I washed out of a great gig this morning. The hours were good and it involved customer service. I worked very hard in training, getting up at 3:30 every morning just to get to class. But that old phobia of phones, and the people who could be on the other end of them, won out. I feel grateful for the opportunity and it seemed like a great company to work for. I also feel that I was a waste of this company's time and resources because I just couldn't hack it. 

So I pretty much feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out.

Signing releases will be my primary business this week. Releases to prove what I always feared was giving up: that I am disabled by my illnesses. But I recognize that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. And I know when to ask for help. Going back to counseling as well, hopefully, sooner rather than later. It seems as though since my divorce I haven't stopped to process my emotions or breathe. It also turns out that psychologically, such repression isn't healthy.

Also, recently stopped dating someone who I (gasp) liked. Apparently, I wasn't allowed to have feelings. Of course, there is a lot more to the story than that. But some songs are better left unsung. 

Started a new blog as well, on the entertainment front. Thought that I could get into the habit of reviewing films, television, and books again. My jobs have left me little time or energy for creativity. 

How I wish one didn't require a day job. ***Sighs wistfully before screaming into a pillow***

Square one in so many ways. And so very tired.