Paging Dr. Melfi

My anxiety issues are prevalent as of late. Pretty severe ones, forcing me to resign from my new job. I finally had the opportunity to see a therapist.

After nearly an hour of discussing my past hospitalization, struggles with OCD, daily anxieties and experiences with agoraphobia, he suggested something revolutionary: BREATHING EXERCISES. Like I’ve never done THAT before. Oh, silly me, of course! I’ve been holding my breath for the last two years. It’s only the most basic thing you could possibly suggest for someone suffering from anxiety.

So, I did the breathing exercises, frustration growing steadily with each breath. “Don’t you feel better?” He said. “I could tell the difference between before and after you did the breathing exercises.”

Uh-huh. Before I was anxious, now I’m fucking angry.

“Describe your anxiety for me.” Anxiety is a monster, I offered for a basis of comparison. He told me anxiety needs to be my friend.

Friends don’t wake you up in the middle of the night to prod you with your darkest fears. Friends don’t drive you to the brink of losing your mind. Friends don’t let friends write drunk. Friends don’t prevent you from doing things that you would otherwise enjoy. Friends don’t betray you by planting paranoia and delusions in your world-weary brain.

Why can’t I have a decent therapist? I know life isn’t as well scripted as, say, The Sopranos. But I yearn for someone who actually helps me talk through my problems, rather than just watching me cry and saying, “Hmmmmm. You seem upset.”

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

Most of the session I felt like he was going to stop and just say, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?” It’s like he thought that just because I was articulate about my anxiety that I somehow wasn’t really suffering from it. He even added, as an extra zinger, that I shouldn’t obsess so much.

IT’S CALLED OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER. LOOK IT UP IN THE DSM SITTING, APPARENTLY UNOPENED, BY THE WINDOW.

I think you’ll be a lot better in two weeks, he said.

I think I’ll be doing a lot better if I see a better therapist.