I Wish You

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss
But more than this
I wish you love

And in July, a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

My aching heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best,
My very best,
I set you free.

I wish you shelter from the storm,
A cozy fire to keep you warm,
But most of all
When snowflakes fall,
I wish you love!

An old Frank Sinatra song is haunting me tonight. It makes me think of all of the lovers, and would-be lovers, I have ever had. It is a short list, but there is unfathomable quality on it. And then there was the one who truly broke my heart. Though most likely unintentional, he almost broke my mind as well.

Tonight, I ask, am I adult enough to wish him love?

I like to think that I am human enough not to begrudge anyone something as essential as love. And yet rage gnaws on me. Why should someone get away with being so apathetic? We were young and stupid, that is true. But I was willing to love, whereas he was willing to simply lust. Can I ever forgive him for something that has irreparably damaged me?

His actions were not without consequence in the long run. His lack of courage to love has impacted every relationship I have had since. And for that I am sorry. I am learning (albeit slowly, painfully slowly) how my emotional turmoil has affected my lovers, my true friends. It weighs on me almost daily.

But the most I can hope is that he found himself, perhaps in the state of being unloved, perhaps in the state of somehow being devoid of ego. If he has found himself in such a desperate state, I do wish him love.

If he still loves himself above all else, I wish him nothing.