Lucky 13

I feel like I'm 90 years old putting my meds together for the week. Somehow I'm back up to thirteen pills again. I'd be lying if I said the ritual of organizing my meds wasn't comforting. And these lovely little drugs and supplements help to bring balance to my mind, and certainly prevent me from performing other rituals.

I've actually reduced most dosages, believe it or not. I used to be on twice the amount of clomipramine (for the OCD). It used to make me shake so badly that I would fall down, and I even experienced something like a seizure while on double the dose. My current dosage of 75 mg per day keeps the intrusive thoughts at bay without the nasty side effects.

I'm only on 10 mgs of Abilify, used as a mood stabilizer for bipolar. And it used to help me sleep. I had to add more lorazepam (commonly known as Ativan) to achieve that end since the job hunt has been going terribly. I suspect that these two drugs have something to do with the massive weight gain I've had over the past year. I also know that being mostly sedentary also has something to do with that though. I'm either skinny and insane, or more robust and rational. There is no between.

I am tempted to go back on Zyprexa, though that drug made me gain sixty pounds within a few months. It makes you crave sugar and eat it with sheer abandon: it often causes diabetes. But the dreams I had on it were so profound and expansive that I now wish I'd put them in a journal. The sleep was deep, and satisfying. Not like this light sleep I've been getting these past several months. I would certainly choose it as a mood stabilizer if I didn't know it makes me capable of eating a five pound bag of gummi bears within two days.

My other drugs I must list like they were failed relationships. Oh Geodon, it was so easy sleeping with you but losing my menstrual cycle was just too psychologically damaging. Latuda, you were far too expensive for my blood. Though we flirted with success, Seroquel, our affair was all too brief and ineffectual. Then there is the drug whose name escapes my memory, I just remember the disturbing blurred vision and the consequent trip to the ER. Physically abusive, that one. And interestingly, way too intense for someone with my psychological problems.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow to beg for more meds, for more effective meds, for sleep. Cross your fingers and toes for me that the new meds don't turn me into a zombie.