Addled Aspirations

I have had many aspirations and setbacks during my thirty seven years on Earth.

During school, I was an overachiever of sorts. By the time I was five, my OCD was in full swing. So scholastically nothing short of perfection was tolerable for me.

When I was about eight years old, my obsession with music began. It quelled the intrusive thoughts and illogical obsessions by giving me an art to truly focus on. My hero at the time was Debbie Gibson. I practiced her songs quietly to myself on the bus ride home from school, perfecting every nuance and glottal stop. My other instrument of choice was the violin. Though I had no innate talent for it I worked hard, and practicing for orchestra also helped me to drown out the other symptoms of my disorder.

We moved from New York to Boise, Idaho when I was eleven. The remainder of fifth grade went well at Pierce Park Elementary. When we moved from a trailer to a house, I switched schools. Sixth grade at Collister Elementary quickly became hell for me. One girl, Rhianna, decided that she didn't like how I had befriended another girl, Donelle. Out of spite and jealousy, Rhianna turned the rest of the class against me. I was mercilessly taunted every day. I would often come home crying. My OCD was spiraling out of control. Thus began my intimate familiarity with the beast of social anxiety. I couldn't trust people anymore, because quite frankly, most of them were petty and callous and cruel.

In seventh grade, I tried out for a talent show. I sang a Madonna song, "Promise to Try." I didn't make the cut but I was recruited into the choir. I continued on, participating in a variety of choirs and talent shows throughout high school. I even received a scholarship for voice at Albertson College of Idaho. There, I became a music major and even learned to sing opera. I also started acting, and became a Theatre major as well.

Though I hid it well, performing vocally terrified me. I was by nature a perfectionist and I couldn't stand the thought of others judging me. The taunting I received in sixth grade also haunted me. Even now, simply performing karaoke, I am a nervous wreck. Acting came more naturally, because when in character, I forgot myself in the role. Auditioning was difficult but once I was cast the anxiety went away. Theatre became an escape, and helped to level out my many frustrations with vocal performance.

My earliest of aspirations, however, was to become a writer. My fifth grade teacher gave me the ultimate compliment once, saying that I could be "the next Stephen King." In junior high, I also wrote three reports in history class that ended up being about 90 pages. They kept the reports in my junior high school library for a time. I wanted to write more extensive books, but because of the need for perfection found that I was better at shorter forms. I continued to enjoy writing throughout high school and college but it was more of an academic necessity and a hobby than anything else.

After college, life changed dramatically. I became a wife and mother, which was something I never thought I would do. Because I had an incurable anxiety disorder, I thought a long-term relationship would be impossible for me. I am happy to report that though it has been a struggle at times, I have been married for over a dozen years. My daughter is now nine years old. She is gregarious and though she does have anxiety at times, I have thus far seen no evidence that she suffers from OCD or any other of my mental maladies. I started blogging early in her childhood, and I am so glad to have a written record of her upbringing.

Since I never completely gave up on writing and I find it therapeutic, I recently started writing at Mostly Planned. I'm hoping to pen at least one piece a week. I am also determined to finish the two books I started writing long ago. Perseverance and persistence are key elements, but most importantly, I must conquer my fear of failure.