Mommy Guilt

The first day of the school year is tomorrow. My daughter couldn't be more excited. A nerd like her mother, she absolutely loves learning. Since I currently don't get many jobs as a substitute, I am not really looking forward to the many lonely hours without her.

And I also have an immense amount of guilt that I couldn't give her a sibling. I have lovely sisters, one younger and one older. On the left, you can see me bidding my older sister a tearful goodbye as she embarked on her first day of school. I thought for certain that she was never coming back. But of course, she did. And we have enjoyed many happy years together as friends and siblings.

I feel devastated that Violet will never know what it's like to have a brother or sister. My sisters have helped a great deal to shape who I am, and I love them both dearly. Violet constantly complains that she is lonely. And it's a loneliness not even a cat or a dog could ever cure.

I always felt strongly about having a second child, but both marital partners have to be on board for that sort of decision. After Violet's birth I faithfully took birth control but silently prayed that I would get pregnant on accident. But my husband was right not to want to have another child in many ways. I was more than a bit of a train wreck, before and after my hospitalization. If having one child stressed me out so much how could I possibly handle two? He asked. And I know it would have been difficult.

But a part of me also knows that for the love of both children, I would have made it work.

Now Violet is nine, and though my stability has increased dramatically, I feel I'm too old to have a baby. Violet is perfect in every way to me, it just tears at my heart that I couldn't be more for her. She has my adorable niece and a few good friends she considers to be sisters, and that will have to be enough.