Back to School?

I have so many nightmares about going back to school. I love learning and I did well in school but I was exhausted by the end of my undergraduate studies. I wanted to save money and postpone graduate school for a few years because I knew I needed a break.

Fast forward 15 years.

I ended up getting married instead of going back to graduate school. I worked a few office positions for a few years and then had a beautiful daughter. Our life has since revolved around my husband's profession. Now that he has the opportunity to work more regular hours I am attempting to get back into the workforce.

I tried to land a job while in Wyoming but had no luck. Though my GPA was a 3.97 in college, I couldn't even get hired as a tutor for the school district. I suspected the existence of a "good old boys" club, and because I didn't have many personal connections I had little chance of attaining a job.

Then came our move to Utah. A fresh start, or so I thought. Different state, same story. After applying for leagues of office jobs and retail positions, and being rejected by them all, one of my old friends suggested that I pursue a job in education. I was thrilled to be hired as a non-classified sub with the local school district. I cannot substitute as a teacher, but I am allowed to sub for playground monitoring and positions of that nature. I thought it was at least a start.

Since I already had one education job, I decided to take it a step further and apply for the state ARL (Alternate Routes to Licensure) program. It took some time, but I was approved to teach Elementary Education. I have 18 months to find a qualifying, full time job as a teacher. Then I will have an educational program tailored to me so that I can actually learn how to teach. So essentially I would be teaching full time and taking classes or pursuing online studies at night. I was told by someone who recently completed the program that it would be "the hardest thing you'll ever do."

So, in the spirit of taking things one step at a time, I decided to use this year to get a position as a teacher's assistant. Who in their right mind would hire me full time, I wondered, when I had very limited experience with kids? In my sub experience I was a playground monitor once and a P.E. teacher once. Neither experience went very well for me because frankly I had no idea what I was doing.

I've applied for many positions in two districts and at charter schools. I couldn't even land a job as a part time library assistant. All the interview questions are specifically tailored for someone who has experience with kids, and other than raising a sweet and successful daughter, I have none. The last two interviews I had were within the last two weeks, and I was told that I would be notified within a few days as to the outcome. It's been well over a week and neither school has contacted me.

This job search has filled me with anxiety and a great deal of uncertainty, and I've been told that many people with my anxiety disorders can't stand uncertainty. It drives them nuts. I've certainly had an increase in neurotic symptoms. I can't sleep through the night unless I take twice the dose of my regular anxiety medication (don't worry, I'm doing it under a doctor's supervision). The constant worry is driving me up a wall. The constant rejection is making me feel completely worthless to society at large. I have a fear of failure and utter failure seems to greet me at every turn.

I have an appointment with a psychologist while my daughter is in school next week. I am going to discuss the depression and anxiety this job search has brought me. I am also going to discuss whether it is a good idea for me to even get a job in education. Part of me wants to go back to school to become a librarian or a literature professor, neither of which I am currently qualified for.

I suppose the real questions are, how much can I take without cracking again? Was any of this even a good idea, or was I high on mania and overestimating my capabilities? Should I find some sort of job or tutoring position at home, since having an actual commute terrifies me? The self-doubt and queries are seemingly endless.

The nightmares continue, and are starting to invade my reality.